ya dads aren't the best wingmen
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
