That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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