I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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