Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
