my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
