Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
