I faked an abortion last night.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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