dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I wish there were birth control emojis
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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