Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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