Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
