I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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