hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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