i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
