that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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