He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
