Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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