Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
