A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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