When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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