the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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