when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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