cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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