If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
