Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
