You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
