She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
