God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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