When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
