i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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