well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
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you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
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How does a face ride mean we're back together?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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