new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
