whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
