When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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