I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
