Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
