When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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