I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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