I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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