you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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