I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
