Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
