Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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