I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
