i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
