the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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