Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
