Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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