Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Randomize
