I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
