sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
