i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
