im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
