I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Operation Purity has been aborted
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My ass is underappreciated
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
