Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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