are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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