thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
