You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
