I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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