Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
