Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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