Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
