Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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